Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
