Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
