i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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