well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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