I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
