Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
