We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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