Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
