Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
