I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
