I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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