I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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