I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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