Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
