I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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