I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
