smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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