ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
