I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
