so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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