He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
