he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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