Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
