my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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