Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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