I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
