Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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