btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
