Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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