Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
