Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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