ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
