Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
