I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she peed on how many people?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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