She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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