Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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