I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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