so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
