please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
