I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
