the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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