Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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