I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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