i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
