I'm pants shitting drunk right now
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
