i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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