just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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