Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
