So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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