If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
NoShamevember. You game?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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