i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
