i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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